im-just-me.net

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me!! All this week I’ve had a hard time falling asleep. It’s like my mind just won’t relax.

I’m trying to write some things down here tonight to see if it helps. I’ve been lying in bed for atleast 45 minutes now with no luck. I swear i jinxed it a couple weeks ago thinking about how I haven’t had that hard of time lately.

It could be stress too. I’ve been stressing lately about life after the military and what if we decide he should re-enlist. Those bonuses sure to make it tempting. Right now we’re preparing for him to get out. His out day is Feb 2nd i believe, which will be here before we know it! He still needs to work on his resume and starting putting it out for government jobs. He was told by a few people to start really early with those jobs because sometimes you don’t hear from them in about 6 months. I’d like him to do a contractor job because they make more money in the long run and that’s what we need now! Speaking of money another stresser in my life! We’re stretched pretty thin right now. We do have plenty in savings, but i like to pretend that it’s not there so it can stay savings. I’ve been taking a class so maybe I can earn some extra money in a few months when I’m done with that. I’d eventually like to be able to stay home and take care of some kiddos, but that’s not happening right now!

I’m also bring work home more than I used to. Not in the sense of actual work, but thinking about it and stressing about it while I’m at home. I used to be able to just leave it there. I don’t know what’s happening with my brain! Wouldn’t be nice if you could just have an on off switch during the night?

Well, I think I’ll give it another try. Writing has kind of helped as I can feel my eyes getting heavy. Or it could be the benadryl that I took! See ya soon!

So, things aren’t going that well. I’ve done two rounds of clomid and nada has happened. My doctor is now referring me to a reproductive endocrinologist. It just kind of sucks because it’s sinking in more that I may not be able to have kids. I kind of researched adoption a bit the other night. Mostly google type of stuff seeing about cost and what not. We’ll see though. I could respond well to whatever this other doctor will want to do. My poor little ovaries can’t handle making eggs I guess. It sucks too because this other doctor can’t get me in until June 3rd. I think June sounds further away than it really is. It’s just one month so it should be ok. The kind of sad part is I was hoping to get knocked up in enough time that when I have the baby we would still have Tricare as our insurance so we’d have very little out of pocket. With the insurance I can get through work I have a $500 copay and then 20% of all charges from the hospital. Those can add up!! It’ll be ok though.

I’m also stressing about David finding a job. I can pretty much say he’s one of the laziest people on the planet. He still hasn’t done a resume and he was told by a lot of people that he should start sending it out for government jobs now. But he’s a lazy mother fucker and can’t get his shit together. It’s amazing he’s survived this far in life. His out date is February 2009, but he can go on terminal leave in December. That would be nice because if he can get a job starting then he’ll be making two salaries for a couple months. I just want him to get his shit together. We’ve had talks where I tell him how important it is and that it’s just not him he has to worry about, it’s me and a possible child. He acts like he’ll do it, but never does. I swear writing about it is pissing me off even more!

I don’t think there’s much more other news. Work is going well, so that’s good. I’m so glad I like my job. If I worked with any other people I would hate it. The people who come in are amazing in the fact that they feel like they’re God’s gift and the world revolves around them. You’d be surprised the kind of shit we hear and have to deal with. Oh geez, and if you could hear the voice mails!

Well, I’m off to be lazy and watch TV!

It’s almost been a year since our friend Adam passed away.

It doesn’t seem that long ago, but it also feels like I haven’t seen him in forever. The part that makes me the most sad is that we still don’t know what happened really. It’s a little easier to deal with, mostly because of time gone by. I just want answers and I don’t think I’ll ever get them. Everything just seems strange about it all. I hate to be one of those people who are all about conspiracies, but when something like this happens you have to wonder. But then I sit here and think maybe he could have done that. Is that because that’s what I’ve been told for so long? My first reaction was, “no way!” I could never imagine him doing that. Do I trust my first reaction?

Something that did come out of this is David deciding to get out of the military. We were thinking about it, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. All the issues with his family getting his belongings and answers. David getting in trouble for trying to help them out. It was all bullshit and made me get a real look on how the military works. They don’t care. That’s basically it in a nutshell. They don’t give a fuck about you or what happens to you. And I’m so glad I’m a civilian and I can say that and not get my ass into trouble.

So we started our first round of clomid mid February. Yeah, it didn’t work. They had me come in on day 11 to see if I had a follicle and to check how thick my lining was. No follicle and really thin lining. They said they would like it at 10mm and mine was 4mm.

So now we get to up my dose on my next cycle. It just sucks that it didn’t work at all. I would feel better if I atleast had one of the two things they were looking for! I need to call the office because I’m not sure what to do if I don’t get a period. I have refills on the provera they gave me to start my period before. Do I take that if I don’t get my period after a certain amount of days? I have no clue! I’m not a patient girl and this is driving me crazy! It’d be nice to have something work right in my body.

So that’s the update on the baby trying business. I can say I am tired of having sex on a regular basis lol.. And the fact that even if he ticks me off he gets some!

Everything else in life is going ok. Work is alright. I’m getting tired of it, but that’s the usual for me. There always has to be drama somewhere!

Well, that’s all for now. Here’s to next month!

I do have to admit my last post was probably fueled on emotion and a bit of PMS. None the less I should have been mad, just maybe not as mad as I was.

We’ve talked about how he needs to think more of my feelings rather than just himself. I’m tired of this only child crap. We were raised two totally different ways and I think that comes out in our relationship more often than I’d like.

Onto other news, we’re trying to have a baby. Too bad that huge fight had to come right in the middle of it and make me rethink things! I think we’re finally on the same page, hopefully, and back on the baby track.

I went to the obgyn for my annual and we got a plan into effect to get my knocked up. I stopped my birth control in November to see if I could just try this on my own rather than having to do all the doctor crap. Well, by January I still hadn’t had a period. The doctor put me on provera and had me have a dildo ultrasound. That was… interesting. haha. She then wanted me to call in when I started my period so they could put me on clomid. So I finally started it on Tuesday, yesterday, and called the office. I left a message at 9am and didn’t hear anything all day. I think, ok, I work in an office and know how busy it gets. I give them until after lunch today to call me back and of course they don’t so I call and leave another message. No call today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. It’s just frustrating when I have to get the medication on a certain day. If it wasn’t messing with the plan I have in my head I wouldn’t be so ticked about it. I can’t remember if she said I take it on day 3 or 5, but if it’s day 3 I have to take it tomorrow! Hopefully I’ll hear something tomorrow. If not I’ll have to be like the patients that drive me crazy and call the front desk. But come on people, do your job! It’s not that hard, I know it says the plan in my chart.

Other news is that I’m going to take a transcription class. I was trying to think of a way to make money and stay at home. A girl I work with does transcription and her mom owns the company. I don’t know if I want to use that connection or not. I’ll see how the school goes with helping me find something and then go from there. I’m just trying to plan things out so we’re not super broke when I’m on maternity leave and if I can’t bring myself to go back to work. Plus the unknown of David getting out of the military.

Anyway, I better get to bed, I slept like shit last night and can feel my eyes get heavy. I’ll be back soon!

I guess that question should be, why is my guy so stupid?

Of course when I finally come to write is when I’m pissed right? Of course!

I’m just getting tired of the daily bullshit of our lives. The constant bickering about stupid stuff, just him getting on my last freaking nerve! Lets start the story shall we?

So I got my wisdom teeth pulled Friday morning. That sucked by the way. He was good at first with helping me with things. He got my pain pills and went to get my movies and whatnot. I guess he got tired of it after one day though. I was in the kitchen with swollen cheeks probably trying to eat some pudding when I asked him to put a new bag into the trash can. No big deal right? I sure didn’t think so. Then he yells from his recliner, “You have two hands!” I just sat there for a minute hoping it was a joke. Then he goes on about how he’s tired of me telling him to do things when I should just do them myself. I then explained how I would then be doing everything! He’s not the type to know hey, that dish looks dirty, lets wash it! No way. I’m surprised he remembers to wipe his own ass honestly.

So after the little tiff I got upset because I of course feel like shit and am hopped up on pain meds and begin to cry. I hear him let out a big sigh and that pissed me off more! Sorry you made me cry asshole! So I then told him to go away and he went upstairs for a few hours. After that I refused to ask him for any help. Which kind of sucked, but I wasn’t going to give in to the fucker.

To cut the story a bit short I finally said something to him about how that was all messed up and bad timing for him to say shit like that. He of course like usual couldn’t apologize until told I’m mad that he didn’t. That to me is a fake apology. In my eyes he should have said he was sorry as soon as he made me cry, and if not that as soon as he cooled off from being upstairs. I don’t know what is wrong in that brain of his. It’s like he has no sympathy for others at all.

So I eventually got over it in my head, you know swept it under the rug. Well a dust bunny pulled it out tonight. But of course he couldn’t talk about it because it was 9:00 and he had to go to bed! Well, that made me even more mad that he couldn’t atleast humor me and be like, yeah i know that was messed up the other day, I’m sorry. He just sat there and didn’t say a word. It’s like to him he doesn’t think he did anything wrong!

So now I’m sitting here in the spare bedroom wanting to go into my bed, but too freaking pissed off to lie down next to him. I’m just over how he’s so emotionless and has no sense of someone elses emotions. He acts like he doesn’t know what to say or do. Shit, watch a movie and learn how to apologize!!

I was thinking writing in here would help me but it’s just making me mad again.. Nice!

Today I’m home sick from work. I have some sort of stomach bug, which totally sucks.

Not a lot going on with me otherwise. Life is pretty much just a routine right now. Work, eat, and sleep. Work is going good. I am falling into my phase of not wanting to work. I just have to remind myself that when I don’t work I wish I did, plus there’s no way we could afford me not to!

We’re exploring the kid idea again. It’s pretty much waiting on what’s going to happen with Dave career wise. I don’t want to have a baby and then be broke while he tries to find a job. Or be pregnant and have to move across country for any job. I was freaking out for a while about him being able to find something. It’s just scary not knowing what’s going to happen and if we’ll be able to afford the mortgage and whatnot. I think it will be ok though. There is a chance we would have to move, but it will be ok. Him being out of the military will be worth it for me. I don’t want to have to worry about yucky deployments and all the bullshit he has to deal with. I think when our friend died is when I lost that feeling of the military being ok. I don’t even know if his mom has received the autopsy report yet.. It’s been almost 7 months now.

I’m excited about being able to decorate our house for Christmas. It’s going to be so nice having enough room to have a tree and not have everything crammed together! I’m really happy that we decided to go ahead and buy a house. And I love having a basement for storage! The only shitty thing is that it’s expensive. We got tile put in this weekend. That wasn’t cheap, but I’m so glad that ugly white linoleum is gone. I now have my pretty tile. We still need to do the upstairs, we’re just too lazy. I hate painting and the pain in the ass it is to set and clean up. We’ll get it done eventually.. I hope!

I will be visiting home for the holidays. I was going to go the week before Christmas, but my mom isn’t going to be off until the week of and after. I’ll be there from December 28th until January 5th. I’ll be going by myself this time, which kind of sucks, but I think David likes having his time alone. Damn only child syndrome.

Well, that’s about it for now. I’ll try not to wait so long next time!!

So I haven’t update here in forever!

Lots of things have been going on. I’ve been slacking a lot with posting. It’s just laziness I guess. After the end of the day I just don’t have the energy to sit down and go over everything again.

Work has been going good. If I didn’t like the people I worked with I would totally hate my job. The shit that people expect out of their doctor’s office is ridiculous. Plus this week has been crazy, to say the least. On Monday this girl’s mom called saying that she was worried her daughter was going to kill herself and had made comments that she was going to. Our job is to send an ambulance to come and take her and put her on a mental hold. Well the great police of Lakewood took it upon themselves to think that she was no harm to herself and that she didn’t need to go. Because you know, they all have physic degrees and all. So we had to deal with that all day. Then I get a call from a patient who has been going to this office for years. He is a little slow and has a hard time understanding things sometimes, but he’s smarter than he lets on most of the time. He threw a fit a month or two ago about us referring him to specialists. If you have a problem that your normal doctor can’t fix they send you to someone who can. Well in his mind we just didn’t want to help him. It all got resolved after many times of talking to him and putting on an anxiety med. We even made a plan with his specialist so that he could come to us and we’d know what to do for him. Well when I asked for his specialist phone number he got mad and said that “this should have been done a while ago and it’s your problem now!” and “forget about it then.” So I kind of brush it off, because he’s done this before. Then that night it was really bothering me that he was acting like that and yelled at me. Well, Tuesday morning I go into work and I have 12 voicemails on my line. I’m like “holy shit people calm down with the messages!” So I’m listening to them. 9 of the messages were from this guy. Freaking the hell out. Screaming into the phone. Saying “you mother fuckers” over and over again. He left messages all night up until 4:00am. It scared the shit out of me. We spent the whole day with the door locked and a note saying “please knock to be let in” because he’ll usually come in to talk to us when he throws fits. By the way he’s never acted this way before. When I told my boss that he left bad messages she had no idea there were THAT bad. So we end up calling the police because who knows what his mental state is now and he works at a school as a janitor. The cop came and listened to the messages and said if he comes to our office to just call 911. So in the meantime he’s called two times, hanging up each time before I can grab someone to talk to him to say never come here again. He called again and I saw the caller ID say private name and number, which his is. I told my boss, the dr., to answer and see if it was him. It was. She talked to him for a bit up there and then went to the back were Melissa, the PA, was and she talked to him. She’s real good with crazy people because she’s worked in physic wards before. She basically told him that we were not going to have anymore contact with him and that he needs to not come here. So we’re hoping maybe now he gets it. So Wednesday comes and I leave the door unlocked because I think now he understands that he’s not aloud to come here after talking to Melissa. After lunch the old office they used to work at calls and said he just left there saying that he wanted to come to our office to give us a letter and they told him they didn’t think that was a good idea and that he shouldn’t. Well, about 30 minutes after that she called again saying she just got off the phone with him again. He was asking her if she thought if he signed a contract with us not to do this again would we let him come here? She told him probably not and she could hear he was at his specialists office, which was good  because that meant he wasn’t coming to ours! So a little later the specialist calls. She has the patient there with her and she’s kind of talking for him. My boss was telling her again that he wasn’t allowed to come here or call. So the specialist was able to make it even more clear that he wasn’t allowed to come or we would call the police. He then asked to talk to the dr. and she told him no, that we were stopping all contact with every person in our office. It’s kind of sad because you know he’s got something mentally going on with him and he does need help. They’ve known him for 9 years and would have never thought he would act like that. So today we got a fax from this place that helps mentally challenged people, allowing us to talk with this lady about his medical issues. I guess he had left her 9 messages last night all upset and crying wanting help to still see us. She talked with my boss all day pretty much and listened to the messages. She took him to Kaiser, since that’s the kind of insurance he has, and was going to try to get them to put him put on a 72 hr mental hold after talking with us. She said she had never been so scared in her life. It scared the shit out of me too listening to those messages. I was shaking and my heart was pounding. I thought he was going to come kill us all. So anyway, we were still waiting to hear if he was going to be put on a hold when I left work. I really hope so because who knows what’s going to happen with him over the weekend. So yeah, back to the point of me liking the people I work with, I so wouldn’t deal with this shit if it weren’t for them.

Onto other news we’re going to Vegas on the 31st for a week. I so need a vacation! I’m excited to go. Family stuff has  been kind of crappy for my brother right now. He’s trying to get custody straightened out with his kids because their mom is a super bitch and won’t ever let him see them. Now she’s brainwashing them into thinking that he doesn’t love them because he wasn’t pregnant with them and that he’ll kidnap them at any time. She’s also got them turned against all of us and they’re acting out whenever they’re at his or my mom’s house. It’s really sad. She’s taking away their happy childhoods because she’s a crazy cunt. It really pisses me off that she’s doing this to them. I just hope and pray that the courts see what she’s doing to them. It really is mental abuse. She was told not to even talk about any of this with them and it seems like that’s the only thing she says to them. She’ll burn in hell, that’s for sure.

That’s pretty much all that’s going on. Our house is coming along. I need to post some pictures on flickr. It’s just that laziness factor coming back into play.

 Maybe I’ll just post vacation pictures and house pictures when we get back! Have a good weekend!!

So we’re finally in the house. Getting here was a big huge mess and it sucked, but we got through it and it’s finally done!

It’s nice being in a house and not sharing any walls. Although we have had a couple nights with the neighbors behind us playing their music loud. We haven’t had any more problems with them though.

The house is still a big huge mess. We got the downstairs all painted except for the trim and the bathroom. We’re going to be putting in wood floors in a couple weeks and I didn’t want to do the trim to have it messed up when we’re taking it off. My mom, sister, and mom’s boyfriend are coming to help us with the floors. Well, mostly my mom’s boyfriend. Maybe us girls will go shopping while they’re here working! haha.. I think I’m a good helper wife. A lot of guys are on their own with fixing up stuff, but I help! I’m too controlling to not help, lol..

 I have been neglecting this blog like crazy. I just don’t have the urge to write anymore. Just lazy I guess.

Work has been going good. I’m trying to save up my vacation time to visit home in the next month or two. Right now I have 1 week and I’ll use 2 days when my mom comes to visit. I get two weeks in October though, so that’ll be good for Christmas and all that junk.

I better get to cleaning my house and getting my obsessed husband off of his damn computer. That thing will be missing some day..

I tried to upgrade my wordpress and it messed everything up! I tried to fix it and then gave up and tried to delete it. Then it wouldn’t let me redo it. I am so mad! So I had to make a new address and redirect to it. Atleast I’m done with that now. I have so much more to do to make it how I want it now. This sucks!

On a side note there are some new things. We finally moved into our new house. That’s a long story all in itself. I’ll write more when this is all finished!